Jokes

You know our old thread...from the old forum...well all jokes are gone.

Let's start the thread

And since this is a golden retriever forum, I will start with a classic, I am sure most of you know it though


A guy came to visit some friends. On the door there was a sign that read "Bad dog" ..he entered fearfully and suddenly he saw a Golden Retriever puppy. Puzzled, he asks the puppy "Where is the bad dog? I can't see it, cutie" and the pup answers" I am the bad dog...I don't eat all the food!"

check this out
On Vatican Church notice board and Press Release:
"Be all Women informed that lying in bed, naked, entangled with somebody and screaming:
* Oh my God! *
* Oh my God! *
* Oh my God! *
will not be considered PRAYING."

You gotta see this one!!!!!!! Depicted from a forum


Pedigreu
Afla ce este un pedigreu, cum arata si cun se citeste un pedigreu. Afla cat este de important.




Ce stim noi, io-te ce important e un pedigreu! Si noi nu avem asa ceva, vaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii :laugh1:

Stiu forumul:))) zilele trecute am dat iarasi peste el si am vrut sa iti arat, am crezut ca stii
:smile2: :laugh1:

nu, dar si titlul site-ului e ...ciudat

o daaa!!! :smile2:

yep

http://videos.komando.com/2009/05/15/the-winner/

Priceless, you have to see the look on their faces when the bikers appear out of nowhere!

The Creation Story As Told By The Golden Retriever

On the first day of creation, God created the Golden Retriever.
On the second day, God created man to serve the Golden Retriever.
On the third day, God created all the animals and plants of the earth to serve as potential food for the Golden Retriever.
On the fourth day, God created honest toll so that man could labor for the good of the Golden Retriever.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the Golden Retriever might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the Golden Retriever healthy, and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the Golden Retriever.

Golden Retriever Property Laws

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

Beware Of The Dog !!!

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he notice a harmless old Golden Retriever on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?""
"Yep that's him," he replied,
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

How Golden Retrievers and Men are the Same:

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair done.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.

How Golden Retrievers are Better than Men:

Golden Retrievers do not have problems expressing affection in public. Golden Retrievers miss you when you're gone.
Golden Retrievers feel guilty when they've done something wrong. Golden Retrievers admit when they're jealous.
Golden Retrievers are direct about wanting to go out.
Golden Retrievers do not play games with you-- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
You can train a Golden Retriever.
Golden Retrievers are easy to buy for.
The worst social disease you can get from a Golden Retriever is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
Golden Retrievers understand what "no" means.
Golden Retrievers mean it when they kiss you.

Why A Golden Retriever Is Better Than A Woman...

A Golden Retriever's parents will never come visit you.
A Golden Retriever loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
A Golden Retriever limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
A Golden Retriever never expects you to telephone.
A Golden Retriever will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
A Golden Retriever does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
A Golden Retriever does not get mad if you pet another dog.
A Golden Retriever never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
The later you are, the happier a Golden Retriever is to see you.
...And the number one reason why a Golden Retriever is better than a woman:
A Golden Retriever does not shop !!!

It was a slow day in heaven so God phoned Satan to see what was going down there.

"It's slow here, too", said Satan
"Well," God said, "I think a Golden Retriever dog show might be fun."
"Sounds good," says Satan, "But why are you calling me? You've got all the Golden Retrievers
up there."
"I know," answered God, "But you've got all the judges."

Mind Games That Golden Retrievers Play With Humans..

After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.

Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back tail between your legs, Chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. When the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they've talking about.

Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee,' sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

Draw attention to the humans. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo.' Take your time and make sure everyone watches. this works particularly well if the humans have forgotten to bring plastic bag.

When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

What Not To Name Your Golden Retriever...

I call my dog "SEX". Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for SEX. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had SEX since I was nine yours old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself, and a special room for SEX. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You not understand, SEX keeps me up at night." The clerk said, "me too."

One day I entered Sex into a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking around. I told him I planned to have SEX in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have SEX on television." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had SEX before I was married." He said, "me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley a 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said I was looking for SEX.

MY case comes up Friday.........

Dead Doggie?

A woman goes to the vet. She says, "Doctor, I think there's something wrong with my sixteen year old Golden." He hasn't moved all day.

The vet examines the dog and says, "I'm sorry. I'm afraid your dog is dead."
"Dead! How can he be dead? He was fine yesterday. Are you sure he's dead?

Isn't there some other test you can run?"

The vet leaves and returns in a moment with a pet carrying case. He opens the case and a large cat emerges. The cat plods over to the dog and sniffs around its head. It then circles the dog, sniffing and poking around. After a minute or two the cat returns to its cage.

"Well," says the vet, "that pretty much proves it. He's dead."

"I guess you're right," says the woman, now coming to grips with what happened." At least you did your best. How much do I owe you?"

"$230."

"$230?! For what? All you did was tell me my dog was dead. What did you do that cost $230?"

"Well it's $30 for the office visit, "says the vet," and $200 for the cat scan."

For all Who Work With Rude Customers, shame WE can't actually do this!
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some
months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when
confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of
inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped
his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and
it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be
able to work something out.'

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear,

'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your
attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,
'F... You!' Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)
'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'

UNIVERSAL LAWS



1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - I f you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater - A t any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. The Starbucks Law - A s soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - I f there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!"

"You yuppies are so materialistic, it's ridiculous" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off."

"Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Rolex!"

You know, it's women's dream to have a walk in closet...yet check this out:

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box.

The little boy said, "Republicans."

The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Atta boy!"

A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, "Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?"

The boy said, "Democracts"

Bush looked crushed, saying, "What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!"

The boy said, "Well, the puppies opened their eyes."