Jokes

Skinny Dipping


An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five- gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked...'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the
woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I
failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in
the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make
your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis
whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most
beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the
world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and
what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
"I'd like to have a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling
good!

Male readers: Please scroll down.















The man had a heart attack ten times "milder" than his wife!!!

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
"This is from the gentleman who is seated over there."
and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response,
took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: "Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, Bentley Convertible, Mercedes SL600, and a Porsche Carrera 4 in several garages; I have beautiful homes
in Aspen, Italy, South Florida and a 10,000 acre ranch in California There is over one hundred and sixty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I
cut off two inches. Just send the bottle back."

A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself :
Man: May I buy you a cocktail?
Maxine: No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.
Man: Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?
Maxine: No, they spread.

Victor Borge and Dean Martin: Musical Phonetic Punctuation

http://www.eanimale.ro/anunturi/caini/vanzari/donez-caine-ideal-pentru-curte_41989.html



Rasa : golden retriever

Descriere anunt
este un caine foarte destept
foarte bun da paza ,agresiv cu strainii si bland cu stapanu


breed: golden retriever

Add:
he is a very smart dog
very good guard dog, aggressive with strangers and kind with owne (the word owner is spelled wrong)

INSTALLING A HUSBAND


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta..

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support

You need to see this, my jaws hurt from so much laughing.

Dog that poops money! A money making dog....

... actually he's a thief

Kids Are Quick
___________________________



TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
_______________________________



TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this kid)
__________________________________________


TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
_________________________________


TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________


TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________________________________


TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________


TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
_________________________________


TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_____________________________


TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
______________________________


TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

<blockquote style="border-style: none none none solid; border-color: rgb(16, 16, 255); border-width: medium medium medium 1.5pt; padding: 0cm 0cm 0cm 4pt; margin-top: 5pt; margin-bottom: 5pt; margin-left: 3.75pt;">


AVOCATUL : Aceasta astenie grava va afecteaza memoria ?
MARTORUL : Da
AVOCATUL : In ce fel va afecteaza memoria ?
MARTORUL : Uit
AVOCATUL : Uitati ? Ne puteti da un exemplu de ceva pe care l-ati uitat ?


AVOCATUL :
Doctore, e adevarat ca daca o
persoana moare in somn, el nu-si va da seama de treaba asta pana a doua zi dimineata ?
MARTORUL : E adevarat ca dumneata chiar ai trecut examenul de barou ?
………………………………………

AVOCATUL : Fiul cel tanar, cel de douazeci de ani, ce varsta are ?
MARTORUL : Are 20 , cam ca si IQ-ul dumneavoastra
……………………………………..

AVOCATUL : Erati de fata cand v-a fotografiat ?
MARTORUL : Glumiti ?
………………………………………

AVOCATUL : Deci data conceperii (bebelusului) a fost 8 August
MARTORUL :
Da
AVOCATUL : Si ce faceati dumneavoastra atunci ?
MARTORUL : Cam ce credeti ca faceam ?
…………………………………………..

AVOCATUL : Ea avea trei copii, asa e ?
MARTORUL : Da
AVOCATUL : Cati din ei erau baieti ?
MARTORUL : Niciunul
AVOCATUL : Era vreunul din copii fata ?
MARTORUL : Onorata Curte, cred ca am nevoie de un alt avocat. Pot sa-mi iau un alt avocat ?
……………………………………………

AVOCATUL : Cum s-a incheiat primul dumneavoastra mariaj ?
MARTORUL : Prin moarte
AVOCATUL : Si prin moartea cui s-a incheiat ?
MARTORUL : Incercati sa ghiciti !
………………………………………………

AVOCATUL : Puteti descrie individul ?
MARTORUL : Cam de inaltime medie si purta barba.
AVOCATUL : Era barbat sau femeie ?
MARTORUL : In afara de cazul in care era vreun Circ in oras, as merge pe varianta barbat.
………………………………………………..

AVOCATUL : Are aparitia dumneavoastra aici vreo legatura cu Nota de Dispozitie pe care am trimis-o avocatului dumneavoastra ?
MARTORUL : Nu , asa ma imbrac eu cand merg la serviciu
………………………………………………..

AVOCATUL : Doctore, cate din autopsiile pe care le-ai facut au fost pe oameni morti ?
MARTORUL : Toate. Cei inca vii … se zabat prea mult !
……………………………………………….

AVOCATUL : TOATE raspunsurile dumneavoastra trebuie sa fie ORALE. Bine ? La ce scoala ati fost ?
MARTORUL : ORALE.
………………………………………………..

AVOCATUL : Va amintiti la ce ora ati examinat trupul ?
MARTORUL : Autopsia a inceput la ora 8.30
p.m.
AVOCATUL : Si D-nul Denton era mort in acel moment ?
MARTORUL : Daca nu, in mod sigur a fost pana am terminat autopsia !
………………………………………………

AVOCATUL : Esti calificat sa dai o mostra de urina ?
MARTORUL : Dar dumneata chiar esti calificat sa pui intrebari ??
…………………………………………………

Si … cireasa de pe tort !!!
AVOCATUL : Doctore, inainte sa faci autopsia, ai cautat sa vezi daca mai avea puls ?
MARTORUL : Nu
AVOCATUL : Ai controlat tensiunea ?
MARTORUL
: Nu
AVOCATUL : Ai verificat daca mai respira
MARTORUL :
Nu
AVOCATUL : Deci e posibil ca pacientul sa fi fost inca viu atunci cand ai inceput autopsia ?
MARTORUL : Nu
AVOCATUL : Cum poti fi sigur Doctore ?
MARTORUL : Pentru ca creierul lui statea pe o tavita pe biroul meu
AVOCATUL : Inteleg, dar nu ar fi putut totusi ca pacientul sa fie viu, in ciuda acestui lucru ?
MARTORUL : Ba da, e posibil sa fi fost viu si sa practice avocatura ![/size]


</blockquote>

Regina Elisabeta a II-a, George W. Bush
Si Traian Basescu mor si ajung in iad.
La un moment dat, Elisabeta:
- Mi-e dor de Anglia ! Vreau sa sun in Anglia sa vad ce face toata lumea acolo.
Suna Regina , vorbeste cam 5 minute si apoi IL intreaba pe Diavol:
-Cat iti datorez pentru convorbirea asta?
-5 milioane $.
Scoate Regina un cec de 5 milioane $ si se duce la
Locul ei...
Dupa cateva momente, Bush, foarte gelos, tipa:
E randul meu! Vreau sa sun si eu sa vad ce se intampla
In Statele Unite, ce face toata lumea acolo!
Suna Bush, vorbeste cam 10 minute, dupa care catre Diavol:
-Cat iti datorez pentru convorbirea asta?
-10 milioane $.
Bush, cu o privire taioasa, scoate un cec de 10 milioane de $ sise duce la locul lui...
Vazand acestea, Basescu, si mai gelos, incepe sa tipe:
-Vreau sa sun in Romania , sa vad ce face toata lumea acolo! Vreau sa vorbesc cu ministrii, cu deputatii, vreau sa vorbesc cu toata lumea!
Suna Basescu in Romania , sta la telefon vreo 2 ore,
Vorbeste cu toate neamurile, cu toti prietenii, cu toti deputatii si ministrii...
Dupa ce termina de vorbit, se pregateste sa-I plateasca Diavolului:
-Scuze, am stat cam mult... Cat iti datorez?
-Un dolar...
-Poftim?!?!? Doar un amarat de dolar??
-Pai, DA... Ca daca suni dintr-un iad in alt iad, e convorbire in retea ...

now where are the rest of emoticons

Bancuri cu profesori, elevi si studenti
1. Un student e la examen si nu prea stie. Profesorul ii zice : - Macar stii ce-i aia examen ?
- Da, este atunci cand doi oameni inteligenti vorbesc intre ei.
- Si daca unul dintre ei este idiot?
- Celalalt nu ia examenul.



2. Un grup de cercetători scriu o carte, de 300 de pagini, un compendiu de fizică cuprinzând toate cunoştinţele din domeniu.


Se hotărăsc să facă un
sondaj ca să afle în cât timp o vor învăţa studenţii. Merg mai întâi la
francezi şi ăştia zic că o învaţă în 4 luni !


Apoi merg în Germania şi
nemţii spun că o învaţă în 2 luni ! Şi în final ajung în România,
într-un cămin studenţesc unde toţi erau beţi


morţi ! Îl trezesc pe unul şi îl întreabă : "În cât timp reuşeşti să înveţi toată cartea asta ?" şi studentul nostru :


"BUUEEEYYYY, SCULAREA ! MÂINE AVEM EXAMEN !!!!"

3. La o restanta toti studentii asteptau in amfiteatru si la un moment dat intra profesorul...
- Intrebare de nota 10...Cum ma cheama ???
...liniste...
- Atunci o intrebare de nota 5...La ce materie dati azi restanta ???
...liniste...la care o voce de undeva din spate...
- Scarba vrea sa ne pice !!!

4. Noapte, inainte de examen. In apartamentul profului suna telefonul pe la 3 noaptea. Cu o voce iritata acesta raspunde :


- Da !
- Dormi ?
- Bineinteles ca dorm !
- ...si noi invatam, 'tu-tzi mortii ma-tii !...


5. Un student se duce la cantina si singurul loc liber este langa un profesor. Neavand ce face, se aseaza acolo.


Profesorul spune : - Porcul nu-i este prieten porumbelului.
Studentul raspunde : - Bine, atunci eu am zburat.
Enervat la culme, la examen, profesorul ii pune studentului cele mai grele intrebari, dar acesta raspunde la toate. In cele


din urma, profesorul il intreaba :


- Vezi pe drum un sac de minte si unul de bani. Pe care il iei ?
- Pe cel cu bani.
- Eu l-as lua pe cel cu minte.
- Fiecare cu ce n-are...


6. Profesorul, furios de-a dreptul, ii scrie pe lucrare “BOU”. Studentul merge la el si ii spune :
- Domnule profesor, v-ati semnat, dar nu ati trecut nota !!!!!


13. "Directorul unui internat îi previne pe băieţi :
-
Dacă dă dracu' şi-l prind pe unul din voi în dormitorul fetelor, îl
amendez cu 10 Euro, a doua oară îl ard cu 20 de Euro şi a treia


oară cu 40 Euro ! Din spate, o voce timidă :
- Dom' director, da' un abonament cât costă ?"

7. Un preot explica la ora de religie : - Dumnezeu l-a creat pe Adam si cu o coasta din Adam a creat-o pe Eva.
- Parinte, il intrerupe un elev, tata spune ca ne tragem din maimute.
- Asculta, zice preotul plictisit, cazul familiei tale nu ma intereseaza ! Eu vorbesc in general.....

8. Se spune că s-a petrecut la Politehnica din Bucureşti.. Studenţii aveau examen, dar, nemergând la cursuri nici măcar nu-şi


cunoşteau profa. Un grup
de studenţi aşteptau şi ei... Vine o tipă faină cu un şal în jurul
gâtului, iar unul din studenţi zice :
- Iată vine un sol de pace c-o năframă-n vârf de băţ. Şi toţi se prăpădesc de râs.
Se uită tipa atent la ei şi intră în sală. Studentul în faptă :
-
Waw ! Am pus-o ! E profa. Sigur mă pică. Dar îşi încearcă totuşi
norocul şi intră în sală. Când să tragă biletu’ cu subiectu’, profa
întreabă :
- Tu eşti Mircea ?
- Eu sunt doamnă. Dau acum sau vin la toamnă ?!

9. Profesorul : “Cine a fost primul om care a ajuns pe Luna ?”
Gigel : “Un somalez care s-a jucat cu elasticul de la chiloti...”





12. Elevii unei clase au fost fotografiati, iar diriginta lor incerca sa-i convinga sa cumpere pozele :
−
Ganditi-va, copii, ce dragut va fi atunci cand veti fi mari si va veti
uita la fotografii spunand : "Uite-o pe Oana - acum e avocat"


sau "Uite-l pe Mihai - acum e doctor"...
Din clasa se aude o voce: − Uite-o pe diriga - acum e moarta !!!

13. Profesorul zice : "Baiete din pacate pentru tine nota pe care o ai incepe cu P. Banuiesc ca stii ce nota e, nu ?"
Studentul: "Pinci ?"

14.
Profesorul de matematica Grigore Moisil, la o ora de matematica. Dupa
ce a citit prostiile pe care le-a debitat unul dintre studenti intr-o
lucrare, il cheama pe studentul respectiv la el, il pupa pe frunte si
zice:
- Tu poti sa te lauzi la toata lumea ca profesorul Grigore Moisil te-a pupat in fund , ca asta nu-i cap!

Wow Emma! I enjoyed all the jokes! Let me share one please...

These are the answers from dogs when asked "How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?"

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we´ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you´re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I´ll replace any wiring that´s not up to code.

Dachshund: I can´t reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I´ll just blow in the Border collie´s ear and he´ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shih Tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .

Labrador Retriever: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Alaskan Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he´s busy.

English Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it´s dark, I´m going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I´ve got a hangover.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...

Greyhound: It isn´t moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheepdog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

ROFL

great one!

I think Emma would say "Oh cool, new shiny toy, must play with it first!" or steal it )))